Oh you.. abandonment wound!

 W-Why do I feel neglected when my partner takes my feedback negatively? Why do I freeze and shut down? 

A prompt of my own. Exhibiting the Why's at the moment, laying in bed, anxiousness making my head spin, stomach twisting and a whole lot of confusion. Stuck in bed now, skipped stretching, music, breathing, drinking water - because me and my partner had a negative feedback moment and I feel like he's mad at me. In my partial defense, he isn't taking the feedback well and drastically changed his mood and behavior the moment this feedback was passed - however he also told me that he's not mad after I asked him. So my logical mind is torn between deciding whether he's super fucking mad at me and just saying he isn't OR to take his word for it, regardless whether or not he's lying - if he is then he's doing this to our relationship, not just me - I should opt for the last as it would definitely keep me more grounded but my co-dependent self really wants to read into this. 

I guess I'm doing better already, instead of wallowing in bed while he went to walk and cool off - I'm here. Instead of moping around, I decided to reflect and understand this behavior. Even if he really is mad at me and decides to share that later, then he will have acted wrong. We just talked about processing negative feedback yesterday in bed, however today it almost feels like that conversation never happened.

Again I must ground myself, "People work in different ways" , I tell myself. Another part of me just says "maybe" and is sussed out. That side of me believes that if he really wanted things to be better, he would've taken yesterdays conversation and applied it to today. This is that voice, codependent anxiety monster telling me how he should've acted instead of accepting on how he did. He knows if he neglects us and sorepoints then we'll most likely end up breaking up. He knows this, and I shouldn't frantically be trying to make sure he isn't steering us in that direction. Maybe it just seems the direction is wrong, what if there's rocks in the way for him even if I see clear waters? Yknow, trying to feed more into the voice which believes that we're all working in our own and our loved ones best interest. 

So I should just allow these things to flow, instead of controlling the flow. What happens, happens. I just need to say whatever I need, once. Not more. People hear me, I should stop acting like they don't.

When else have I felt this way? When was the first time I remember feeling this way? 

 Well I feel this way every time I give negative/constructive feedback and my partners have reacted this way. What way? Instant shift in mood, from happy or neutral to serious, focused, cold. Behaviour usually goes from chilled friendly to harsh, quick, unexpected, selfish. It almost looks like the Ego is just so bothered that someone that close dared to say anything that all you can see is Ego and its teeth. Most my partners react the same way, in short they turn into egoistic assholes. In long, their Inner Child is triggered by something their mom probably did and because I'm the woman of the household then somehow a parallel is drawn, even if I'm in the role of a partner, I'm still a female teaching the man, somehow telling them that they're not enough, do wrong or something along those lines. Teaching them and through that making them feel like boys not men. If only all of my partners knew, taking in negative feedback will make you look more like a man, not the other way around.

Besides my partners exhibiting this kind of reaction after getting feedback, I can recall this also from my teachers, who in general hate to be corrected, ironic. Then definitely with my mom, I can't teach her anything without her instantly feeling like she's stupid and then Ego ticked off, BOOM, same behavior. Its terrifying because I should be able to share my thoughts and feedback to the closest around me. So repeated history shows me that people react this way when they get negative feedback, but my stubborness and my own Ego want these things to be said, taken into consideration and I want to be heard. The way my partners, mom, teachers have acted in the past has been a form of punishment for questioning their way of life. I get it, my Ego gets it. However the Ego should not control us, we should control the ego. There almost always is a better way of doing things, simplifying life, we, they, I - should embrace it. 

First time this happened was definitely in my childhood, I don't remember exactly the situation but it was something new I had learned that contradicted what my mom had taught me and believed herself, so when I stood against her understanding, she got super flared. As I was just a kid then I was so scared, my mom exploding all over the place because of something a child said. I didn't know what else to do, stay quiet and apologise. Go to your room and be quiet, don't bother her. Wait til she's calmed down and come in with another topic to avoid the same problem from coming up. 

Its scary to think that I've felt and acted the same way each time someone has reacted this way. When now as an adult I know how healthy communication looks like, I should be brave enough to demand it. Instead of saying "in their defence", I should just listen to both sides of my mind, make a rational conclusion and see if his behavior was actually out of bounds or he really hasn't yet figured out how to act differently. Of course as the partner I'm here to support and teach, but if our conversations are lost in the wind then I am not obligated to sacrifice myself for his or anyones ego.