You again...

 W-What do I seek from you, that I can't give to myself?

Where's the balance? Like between people who live together? My brain thinks it should be 50-50 every day for everything but that rationally makes no sense. We have bad days, one of us doesn't want to get up or doesn't feel like it today and that should be fine. Somehow I ask of you for things that I can take care of myself - whilst you're thinking the same thoughts. 

Would it be easier to just do instead of point out? What if I end up doing everything? My ego so fragile again, as if you haven't done more for me, 

why wouldn't I then do more? Why do I feel attacked right now? Where is this coming from?

"Righteous" comes to mind, for some reason. As if everything already isn't in accordance with divine laws, the Universe flows through everything in life so if I'm running around looking at things as if they're out of balance, I just end up making adjustments that actually shift this instead of seeming this way from my POV. Where's the trust? I want to say that I trust the flow but am not acting this way. 

"I'm always shifting" comes to mind, like knowing that I get this now but then I'll turn around and see something that'll make me shift back to my own mentality. It's such a struggle in itself to figure out a different perspective, but to also maintain this new thought and implement it, past struggle. Some days that part seems impossible. I keep missing someone pushing me to do more, do better... when I do more then I rarely feel better and when I do better then I feel like I need to do more! Most days I feel like doing nothing at all and when I get started then I can't stop, if I stop then most likely I'll mentally continue for a bit. This turns into a cycle, I want to maybe do something else, something as simple as take a break but I can't get out of working or cooking or talking or whatever I've picked up again and I miss You from coming to tell me "Stop now, you've done this enough, you don't need to do more or better anymore", and then I look at the question and wonder why can't I give this to myself? 

Tell me, Me. Why is it like this that when I need to stop then I just can't? How am I stopping myself from stopping?
Ironically what comes to me is "doing", which to stop I shouldn't substitute with another "doing" but just... stop. Finalize this in my mind, Me. Please. 

In hindsight seems I didn't need you to do *this thing* more, I needed to understand why I didn't do what I wanted to be done?

I've told my partner many times about this boundary and I know he has heard me, I can't control His flow. And he knows, if he doesn't hear me then we'll have problems and I don't have to act upon the possibility of these problems arising but just state my boundary and continue on with my life, in peace. No need to reinstate, no need to worry if I was heard. I was. My thoughts passed on clear as day, I shouldn't look for further validation in You but give that to myself, trust myself that I've done what I can and rely on that. I trust myself. 

What I am really terrified about is that when I express myself then I'm not heard and what I've said hasn't taken into consideration, I really do. Sometimes I wonder how long I can explain one thing - more so I wonder where did this ability develop from... An answer to a simple yes or no question would be backed up with all reasons why I've decided for which answer, what that outcome should be and what part I'll play; 

Person: "Dinners ready, do you want food?" 
Me: "No thanks, i've just eaten during the day and as it was pasta then i'm quite full. But I'll definitely have some later so you can leave it out and i'll clean up." 

Do you see that?! Let me do it again in another chapter because this isn't what I want from You anymore, it's co-dependency and Inner Child trauma. 🙄