People

 c-come and go? :/ 

I guess another question that'll be answered in a lifetime. Though, so far other people who've gone through the decades always advise this, people come and go. But I can't help but to think of those friendships that last for lifetimes. "Yes, but even next to those friendships there's people who'll come and go." 

I recognize colleagues, bosses, mailmen, your usual cashier at the food store - they change yeah. But close relationships. Interpersonal connections. Becoming so close to someone only for it to end with a misunderstanding in conversation or action. I'm greatful for the time we got together but... i fucking hate this "but" fucking shit. It's my... nope. It's not "my" anything. 

Back into my head where there's a full conversation on multiple levels, past - present - future all rotating around me. "You should be done with this", "How are we back at this friendship bullshit!", "You'll get it", too much thoughts. 

To align and try to type out what the noises, in my head; 

"We've had this conversation already. Please stop putting it out there that you don't get it. You're something else, whether you call it autistic, starseed, neurodivergent- whatever it is, it is not your "normal" human. You don't even feel human. Stop yearning for experiences in life that only "Normal people" get. Besides you not feeling human, you also chose a life with esoterica.  The years you've gone through in your early childhood are a basis of your entire life. You had friends change your whole childhood? You'll have this as a theme in your life. Not because of being difficult but because of being unique. People will get upset, jealous, misunderstand, they'll not understand your POV or processes and this will be your entire life Lysa. You are not a "normie", you're beyond anything that a "normie" could ever grasp. So "normies" will live their life, with lifelong friendships and 15 people friend groups or families and you'll go through a different life.

Stop asking what life it'll be and just live it, you are already there. Instead of thinking about these friends and people that have "gone" from your life because they haven't "gone", life got rid of them.
They're just people who had a single purpose in your life and as soon as that was exhausted, which you sensed, it ended.

We're learning to end friendships on positive notes but we're not learning how to NOT end friendships. We're working on communication but that doesn't change the fact that some people will exhaust their purpose in your life and you'll have to move on, otherwise you get stuck. The picture is greater, life is grander than this one freaking friendship you keep hanging on to. Yes, you had someone in your life that helped you become brave. She laughed and motivated you but you. Great.

The additions this one friend brought to your life all were matches igniting a path inside of you, that's guided you to the life you are at now. Arrived here thanks to, yourself. 

So, as your higher self, I'd really like to stop looking back to you and seeing you cry, dwell, cuss, yearn back a friendship that'll just stagnate you in your old steps. You got your gang people. Women you admire and who help you grow, whom you help grow. Searching for meaning in fluke friendships that only serve as lessons is another naïve move. Allow lessons to come, learn the lesson and grow. You don't need the material forever, just keep the knowledge of what's right. 

Open up your heart chakra. Focus on driving school and painting. Bring your ass to the gym. There's shit to do that doesn't entail thinking about relationships already so far in the past that even a sorry couldn't revive them. 

I love you. You love you. You are love. 

Venus. "

I guess my higher self made a stance... Yeah i'm good.