Triggered

 W-why does moving between comfort zones make me feel insecure? 

Before I dwell too deep into this, I must remind myself that in the past weeks me and my therapist have been talking about the possibility that I have ADHD and autism. The last more is my self diagnosing, I've looked into the types of autism and taken a test which I got a clear Aspergers response. Which, if it is the case then lots of these prompts are affected by the unfortunate reality that I am indeed, just different. 

A type of human that this world is not built for. A type of human who was destined to suffer under the consequences of societal agreements of norms and processes. 

Even if I am, i guess it's not that unfortunate. I've always suspected that I'm in some way different or not made of the same thoughts as the average "normal" person. Now I know they're called neurotypicals and me, us, people are called neurodivergents. Cool, a new classification to fall under. Two sides of society, humanity, ways of living, seeing, understanding. That's super scary tbh. It freaks me out. 

Anyway, back to the topic on hand. Why does moving between comfort zones make me feel so insecure, distressed, disassociated? Right now I've communicated and reached out to a friend who's met my search with answers. I don't want to sit on the couch and do the same loop tonight, I want to go out with my friend and dance and meet new people. Ask and you shall receive, I've gotten an invite for a great hang tonight with my type of people and even some mutuals will be there. People i've partied with and seen many times before, even been friends with, before I changed my comfort zone. 

which is now: Couch + chill + sleep early   VS   used to be: rave + consume + dance late

My two aesthetics, my two lovers, my two worlds that have always fought. Typical of me to always sway to extremes but something I should've gotten used to by now. One of these is my dream, the other a distraction. 

Where this fear comes from is my teenage years. I swapped school life with city life and lost a lot of friends during that time. I grew as a person and got banger experiences, always still working and maintaining my flawless image however the people who dragged me down were the closest friends to me during that time. So now, I guess a part of me is afraid to lose my friends if they see my rave side, my out-and-about side. And in full honesty I'm not sure how to combine that with being in a relationship, I haven't learned, as part of my "play" going out was also to mess around with people, never-ever to go home and fuck them, the most maybe to flirt and dance. It was how i went out when i was a teenager, when i had a nightlife. Who i was in the past

I've now found love like never before and I'm ready to learn, i want to learn. I know I'd never cheat on my partner, yet these thoughts are triggered: "I've never gotten to know myself as an unavailable to love and connection while going out to connect", yk what i mean? I've always gone out to connect with people and been friendly, how it's escalate in the past is because friendly is read as flirty often enough, especially by people under the influence. And my energy, as i've been told, is inherently is sexual, by men, by women, i forget when i haven't looked in the mirror for a while. I go and smile and be kind and some bloke looks at me and thinks its a move - even when its not. Is it the curse of being a woman? What if i smile to the wrong dude and they just initiate something i'm not expecting? Is that cheating? Not in my book but would the truth be accepted if i presented it? 

When i get ready and go out in a bar or festival, it's just how i carry myself, i guess its sexual? and I do enjoy the attention, who doesn't enjoy getting attention, its a human thing. I like attention but not sexual attention. Getting this doesn't make me a honeytrap any bee can fly into, more a paining behind a glass one can see. I used to dress tight, slutty, maybe adding to the attention i was getting. As i've grown i dress up different, weird, i wear my partners clothes and skip makeup. Damn i don't even  shave my armpits no more. 
What's triggering me then? I guess i'd feel guilty to be getting attention when my partner isn't there? But if my partner was there then i'd be afraid that they'd cling to me and i wouldn't be able to breathe and enjoy my time, or him his, because we're so afraid. Or so I fear. Or that's whats happened in the past. I'm afraid of situations where i  or someone else has to suffer through this. I trust myself, but I don't think I trust my partner to trust me. I fear they don't trust me and that makes me scared, why? I don't go out to find a partner i go out to dance, network, find friends, make memories.

I'm afraid to go home and get judged for being free, taking time to myself. They say it's okay now but is it really? When do I know if they'll be triggered? I don't. And in all honesty I should stop worrying about what will be if I go out today and then go home, what will happen once I'm home or what will happen once I'm awake. I know my right to enjoy my individuality and if this is how I do it, by going out and connecting, then I have every right to do so without irrational fears. I trust myself and the love I have for my partner, I can't be fearful of the distrust he has for me as it is not caused by me. I'll always be loyal to him.

I know my limits, I know i would never break my partners trust by being disloyal and if they don't trust me to tell them the truth then is it possible i've chosen the wrong partner, one who doesn't respect me, one who doesn't trust me? Or do we learn together? I hope we learn and grow together. 

So all in all, this fear is related to my relationship. If I'm single then I don't have this fear of "shit i cant change my home life to a city life" - the trauma comes from my inner teenager. She went through 2 very toxic relationships in her time and I can't hold it against her. She's afraid.

The adult me carries the memories and traumas of the past, the adult me want to resolve and move on, allow this pattern to change. And i allow it. 

Lots to think.