Qualia

 D-diagnosis X. Who's counting?

It's wild to think about. I'm turning 24 in two weeks. Been in the mental health system since I was... 14, so about a decade bouncing around. It's been on and off, at times I've given up on doctors but then, its gotten worse. My mind playing more tricks, harder to get out of bed, everyone is confusing, what are they even talking about, why is life, what is reality - and I always ended up back at my therapists place for another year long session while we try to figure out what it is that is causing all this distress. 

A whole decade trying to fit on a human suit, to play the part. After a decade of sherades, pills described to fight the reactions of pills that were prescribed to help diagnosise Y or Z. After 2 trips to mental health hospitals, 5 psychiatrists, 3 pshychologists, 3 therapists - I finally got the answer to my seemingl endless struggle. And no, the answer did not come from any of the 11 doctors who checked me out over the years or the bundles of 'mental health workers' from the looney bins, but instead from... myself.
Many of my friends have had full circles this year and this kind of feels like mine. Its official. My therapist agreed to my latest wacky self diagnosis which turned out to not be so wacky after all but instead, a revelation. I am autistic. Always have been, always will be. 

So what- what- wait what? Lysa, you're autistic? How can that be.. The life you've already led, the life you live and want to achieve - how do you do that if you're autistic? 

Well there's a TLDR answer for this and a long read answer for this, tldr at the end. 

Short answer long, I finally feel a bit more relaxed. Autism diagnosis comes without any medication, it comes with self regulation, therapy, mindfulness, safe connections, community and much more, i'm still exploring. After merely a week of being diagnosed I feel like I've finally pulled on my 'human' suit. It looks just like yours, or your moms or partners or some randoms on the street. Looks the same, but boy is it different inside. If autism were to be in any way physically detectable, I'd like it to be blue or green blood. It could like, that the blue blood is more reactive to enviromental and emotional stimulation so when an autist registers anger or malice then they'll be much more panicked about it than the average person. Why? Because the average person may be able to figure out why someone is angry, what may result from the anger and what harm it could cause them. For an autist, once we register anger, its like - ok so they're angry, why and what is going to happen now? Am I in danger? If so, what are all the possible outcomes? Our minds go to this copy-paste reaction pretty quick, where we try to identify similar situations from past experiences, movies, observing other people in general and then trying to match up a possible outcome to the current situation from that. Our findings aren't always a perfect match so sometimes we can miss and cause an awkward situation.

It really feels liberating to write all of this. I've watched a bunch of TedTalks about it and read tons of articles, links n stuff about autism to better understand it. Before when I'd get a diagnosise, usually i'd have learned about it already or figured i might have it. Autism was never a thing for me, it never crossed my mind that I could just be autistic. Yeah I figure i'm a starseed and from Venus but AUTISTIC? Never. :D 

I'm still unraveling all this, what it means to be autistic to me and how does it look like in my case. I've been masking my whole life, and most of my life i've dedicated to learning how to mask even better. Luckily I've worked on myself a lot and healed traumas and wounds that would make it much harder to cope with this diagnosis, but i've done a lot of hard work already and know that thanks to that I have less to do now. I just need to release, let go, relax. I've always wanted an excuse to be my weird fucking self, and now with this label, in our weird as society, I can literally be weird - say it's because it's who I am compared to normies or neurotypicals - and prance along. I don't have to hide myself away or feel bad about it when I want to, i'm free to flow the way I flow even if its against the current of others. My normal will never look like your normal, and I can finally make peace with that. 

That doesn't however affect my ability to create a life I want. The dream i've had for a while now, of having a house in the woods and living offgrid with my farm and animals - is quite an autistic dream. I want to be cut off from general society, left with nature and routine whilst learning how my brain and body function to take on great adventures further, for the sole purpose of coming home with more knowledge of myself. This is how i've lived so far, and how i'll continue to live. Making my life experience exceptional, because I only have one round at this and I'd like to make this one count.

I hope my spirit guides aren't disappointed that I couldn't just go through life and find acceptance without a societal label, however this level of acknowledgement really tiers a cake i never thought could be topped. Look at me, using cake metaphores in writing like it comes normal to me. I burned a whole 3 braincells researching that was the right thing to paste.

TLDR; I'm still learning who I am as an autistic person, however that doesn't disable (lol) my ability to have a beautiful life and fulfill my goals. I'll be on this journey for a moment but as soon as clarity strikes, i'll be in the flow all the time. 

Anyhow, peace people. Lets see where this journey takes me.