Reverie

 W-why are you witdhrawing from your loved ones? What's stopping you from having honest conversations? What do you expect from your friends? 

Lately I've been my best friend. I do adore my actual friends, they inspire me to be a better and stronger version of myself, they give me new perspectives and ideas when my thoughts get stuck. Though, since discovering that i'm autistic and have ADHD (the internet calls this the Spicy Combo...), i've started withdrawing from my friends. Albeit, there's other factors involved, other personal relationships causing strain and thus leaving me less energy to mask with my true friends, which in turn leaves me to decline their invites and we don't spend time together anymore. What i think happens: normies take distance differently and eventually stop passing on invites. Friendship dies. 

This doesn't scare me this time around i guess. I'm withdrawing because I don't have enough energy, but also because I feel like my friends, my closest friends, haven't taken my diagnosis seriously... either. There's nobody in my life who's been like: "oh, thats cool! i'll read about autism to better understand you." .
I started this blog in the end of last year, here where I dissect and share my deepest thoughts and understandings, where anyone could come and read the realest sides of me, the real thoughts spiralling behind my often emotionless face, the thousands of words that hide behind my still lips.

There's as much hidden inside of me as in anyone, being less expressive is something i've never been. I learned at a young age that if you care, think or want something then say it, be loud. Now in recent months i've been discovering the power of silence and what that means to me. Often enough when I don't want to say anything, I go ahead and say everything. This used to result in monologues where I piss myself off more than the actual person or conflict has, leaving little to no space for any dialogue, let alone a resolution to the situation. Instead i've turned inward, its weird to say but I feel like i'm trusting my intuition more, if it says speak then I speak, as much as feels right not more not less. Well, a little more, still getting the hang of it. Besides learning how much to say, I've truly learned the power of walking away. My Ego still gets ticked off at really rude personal remarks or when my boundaries get crossed but I think that some whiplash makes sense. I can't allow all kinds of behavior, if walking away isn't possible then I'll say what I need to or have recently even removed myself from the stiuation entirely. It feels empowering. 

What's stopping me from having honest conversations? I don't feel like repeating myself. I'm always honest, i say what i need and express what i'm feeling without including or blaming another persons actions, I know my triggers. Repeating myself, having the same conversations over and over again like in some twisted version of my personal hell. When I go to a friend to say i've gotten an autism diagnosis then telling them to now learn about it isn't in my power. I haven't requested this separately, i haven't told my friends to please read about autism and ADHD. Mostly because I feel like it's not my place, if they wanted to, they would. At the same time I do want to ask them, i'm shy about it, it makes me anxious to ask my friends to take time out of their lives and read about autism because i now suddenly have it. The burden to exist how i have to, every day, the challenges I face - it's nobodys fault. Asking my friends to read about this feels like the equivalent of having a leg amputated and not being able to do half of the trips that are proposed. Then again saying that, i'm downplaying myself and my abilities. I've been sad but I didn't realise that I also think that i'm weak. Hit a nerve. Deep breath.

Lets recap.
I've withdrawn from my friends because they haven't read about autism and ADHD, makng me feel like they don't want to consider my experience in the world, in turn making me feel uncomfortable spending time with them because I think they don't understand me. I haven't asked my friends to read about these conditions because I'm afraid to burden them with my perspective because I find the experience difficult to grasp as a concept. I'm afraid that if they do understand then they in some way start to carry the same burden that I do. I believe in the autonomous power of my friends but i'm afraid they'd take pity on me, which I don't want. That they'd see the experience i'm having is difficult, maybe because i'm weak. In the back of my mind there's capable diagnosed people all around the world and here I feel like i'm crumbling apart. I'm afraid my friends will realise i'm weak. That i think i'm weak. 

"No, negative, just different." - said the Universe. 

I'm not sad about this realisation, i've been saying it in my mind and out loud for a few weeks. I know i'm not weak, i'm in a place in life which makes me feel weak. Like a heavy weight champion may feel weak in yoga. It's just a place to grow strength, to reach out to my friends and be honest with them. I'm okay but I need time. Time to understand what the Spicy Combo means for me. I need my partner to know that. I want to say that I miss my family, i miss nature, i don't want to work anymore, i want to take the small fortune I have and just go, get to know myself all over again. I did it when I was 19 by going to Australia, but this time i need it to stay its course. I can't sacrifice myself for my loved ones. I'll do it for my Higher Self, she's the one who's waiting for me to get to her. I'm afraid I can't grow until I take these feelings and follow them. 

My friends can learn and they can give me space. If they don't wish to do this then that's okay, people come and people go. The times we shared will always stay as time isn't linear, it's stacked, and whenever I miss you, i'll go down a few floors and share a sweet memory or two, laughing with you. 

I think you can tell where I stand. I think make one request from my friends and am ready, certain to lose all of them, lol, poetic. Most likely this isn't true, it's my fear of being a burden. Imagening that this question will make them pop off when in reality they'll most probably say, "oh, of course! thank you for telling me."- or in my dreams, "girlie, i already read about it when you told me but if you feel like i dont understand then lets talk about it, maybe i can learn more.". I'll make sure to be that to a friend in the future, i feel like i would appreciate it a lot. 

All I want is to be understood, yet at the moment I don't even understand myself. 

Taking space for myself, it's feeling good, can't wait for it to be warm so I can go get lost in a forest and have a little trip, finding some clarity in myself. And I want to go with my friends! And dress like forest fairies, dance around a fire, skinny dip in a lake and share our human experiences, share deep understandings. In due time.

I've been writing a plan for a womxns retreat - somethings growing. 

Venus