Born in the wrong place?

 I was born in Estonia

A journey of thought.

When I was younger, I always thought about where i was born, the family i was born into, the conditions, country, nation.  I even recall thinking to myself at a very early age; “im the wrong color. why am i white? why is my mom white?!”, and yes, i know how it sounds. But that was my experience. 

But throughout my teenage years i thought about who i am and where i am, and how i don’t fit.  I thought New York, LA, Ohio, Denver - i missed the US, i craved to be there. As I've aged and through the years i've contemplated if perhaps i was supposed to be born in the US instead and as an African-American, with thick curly hair, a loud voice, a mad temper, big lips and a big ass, again i asked myself in the midst of this pondering “was i born in the wrong body?”. 

Because i had all the attributes, but a skimpy white girls body. :D Not bad, just confusing. 

I believe I chose my life. That I chose a life that starts in the gutter, in discrimination, in pain and neglect, in generational trauma and in childhood trauma. I chose parents that didn’t stay together, a woman that’s been hurt beyond her ability to be a loving mother and a father who lost a piece of his heart before i was even conceived. 

When my soul blasted through the Womb portal, perhaps i bounced off something and got redirected because instead of being born in the Bronx to a minority black family that embraced Christianity but suffered under the American racism system and thus was not an ideal family, mother in pain, father absent - the classic tale - i was born to live in Lasnamäe, in the Easter-Soviet block, a family where the religion is Animism and suffering took place over generations of war across our land. Now living in this socialism vs Isamaa, most political fights are about other races coming into Estonia.

Ironic.

So i’m in the right life, just a different body. And as i’ve gotten older, i’ve grown to appreciate this redirection - last minute change of thought - planned or unplanned relocation to Tallinn, Estonia instead of New York, USA. 

In this life here i have experienced all this pain, my forefathers and mothers have experienced pain unimaginable to me today, something that I carry on with ancestral frequencies vibrating in my DNA. 

Estonia is one of those high vibrational countries like the Blue Zones across the globe.

Why? 

I don’t even want to answer in words, I want to answer in pictures. In pictures of forests, bogs, fields of flowers and grains. In videos of dance festivals, singing festivals, midsummers, bonfires and animistic ritual gatherings. 

When I think of why i was born here now, i see a vision, a dream, of a life that so many wish to have, wish to have been born into. 

The gratitude comes from not Soul but the roots that I stand on.

Grateful to be Estonian, to have been born here.