Inner child chapter

H-"How did your parents break your heart? How does it affect you to this day?" 

Honestly I read this prompt and thought about the problems that I've faced in my personal life today recently and the answer to the prompt is the same as what's been bothering me in general. Nice😰

First Inner Child chapter, there'll be more and IC seeps into most of my posts as that's where most my trauma has happened and I have the most to relearn. 

"Peel back the layers, I want to shine now.. bright as the sun."

Person: "Dinners ready, do you want food?" 
Me: "No thanks, i've just eaten during the day and as it was pasta then i'm quite full. But I'll definitely have some later so you can leave it out and i'll clean up." 
-
Person: "Can I sit here?"
Me: "Hey! Yeah of course, my friend was going to sit there but she can sit across me if you want this seat no worries!" 
-
Person: "Would you help me with this thing?"
Me: "Absolutely how can I help exactly and where can I do more so i'm sure I've done it perfectly and not half assed." 😂

Ya'll get the gist, I get the gist. The extent that I feel like I have to justify even the simplest answers to other people is just, mind blowing honestly. I had noticed this before but always justified this behavior by tying it to "I just want to make sure people don't get the wrong idea" - but like, why would they? I'm  laughing over myself typing this. Why would anyone get the wrong idea from a simple Yes or No question, or any general question with a general answer for that matter?
Really rolling my chair back and looking at the bigger picture here, so I can really take in this whole consequence of yet another lacking part of my childhood where I have to step in for myself. Don't get me wrong, I love stepping in for myself but each time I uncover another level to climb I also look back and see tons of stairs that keep going. Its a reminder of how much I've had to step up for myself, how in a short time in my life I've uncovered a mountain from what seemed like a hill in the beginning of my journey. What it continuously feels like is I'm reaching the peak of a mountain after which the sudden realization that... I've reached the peak of a cluster mountain situation and this is just the beginning, the heights are in the distance but I can't even see the top. The journey goes from horizontal to vertical, back and around again pretty fast and feels harder again. It's ever so daunting, And this has been said by other people on their spiritual journey too, that it feels like you never stop going further, you may stand still and camp out but you can't go back, and to hold on for your dear life if you're on the journey 😂

But what role did my parents play in this? I mean I've thought about this over and over, blamed them in writing, irl, over calls, over facetime - over and over again I've thrown in my mothers face how her partial parenting left me without proper emotional support and drowning in social situations was my coming reality. When this time reached then exactly what you'd expect happened, I didn't understand how people thought or felt, my mother was always overreacting and my grandfather was a quiet man, like my stepdad, so the only emotionally stable or intelligent people I met were at school. I didn't know how to act! I was constantly afraid, kept to myself and if I found a friend then I'd never let the friendship go too deep in fear that they'd just leave. Like my dad did, like my mom left me when i needed her, like my grandad who passed away before I could understand the concept of death - to me he was just gone. Left me with his emotionally neglected daughter to repeat a cycle where he came from and passed on like a generational heirloom. I love my grandfather, but damn I wish he had been enough of a man to be the bigger person. In many ways he was, but he'd also give into his shadows and traumas, ending up sucking on a bottle or watching obscene amounts of porn. At least I think, I just constantly found porn in his room. 😅 I wish my recent ancestors were more connected to Mother Earth, more in tune with themselves. I trust centuries ago they were, but with how everything went with society and the world, it's understandable how they'd give up. Well I won't, I say this now haha. No, not giving up, may take a break and chill from time to time. Can't really make your life's mission all about healing because then again we give into the Ego, new obsession and real life just passes by. 

Right now I feel good. I realize I haven't once mentioned how my parents broke my heart but rereading this, the first dialogue examples explain it pretty well. My mom broke my heart by not being emotionally nurturing. I'd often have to stand my ground, to say, so I could be heard or my point would reach across. Lots of mockery and downplaying my emotions, laughing over my beliefs and so forth. She still does it to this day, I have to be careful to not loosen my boundaries and make sure to sit down with her to tell her how I prefer to be communicated to now, as an adult and independent.        ... If I could write out a long pause, then that's how. Calling myself independent without thinking twice!? 😳 Tears of joy. 

My dad broke my heart by simply leaving. When my mother was emotionally neglecting then my father was physically. Thus the greater abandonment wound, going to great lengths to make sure the people who are in my life stay at all costs!!!! Even when they're not good people. Or good to me. Or kind. Or caring. Or put in the same level of effort. Even into the most dying of human connections, I'd stay trying a.k.a watering til the thing was dead. Ironically enough I do this mistake with my plants as well. But for the love of god don't leave or die... smh. Really, that's all I have to say. This wound I've worked on a lot, especially in this last year. I've gotten the same lessons from the Universe than I did a few years ago, same people hurting me the same way - and me just allowing this! Again and again.

Well this year something happened to me, or is happening. I don't know if it's the newfound persistence in my friendships where we meet each others needs, my new amazing-loving partner who's just mirroring and reality checking me, is it the break from my mom? I don't know, but there's been significant growth. And I feel this way every year, or each time after another Dark Night of the Soul moment, again this time it feels different. I'm more excited to see where else this is evolving than stopping to celebrate small victories. Another metaphor would be that it feels like I'm shedding layers of bullshit and feeling lighter each time. Writing really helps, once I'm more ready to share these writings then I think my POV will help a lot of people. Not that that's my goal, and I don't want to panic now and start explaining how "I'm not a people pleaser I swear!". No, some parts of who I am are becoming more clear, and as much as I try to rid myself of this nurturing and giving side - I can't. It's my feminine energy, it's the mother inside of me, it's the part of me that wants to heal for my IC and resonate to my Higher Self. I am underneath all of this.