Progress thoughts

W-What's on my mind?

When I started reading this book then I devoured a lot of it during the first day, it really pulled me in as the topics touched really personal parts of me. I'm about half way through and the pace is definitely slowing down as I'm having lightbulb moments after each passing chapter. These moments however take time to get used to as many realizations are related to personality traits that have been affected by codependency for these many years. Gosh, I've really been through a lot of diagnoses and hundreds of hours, years of therapy, discussed through these obsessive thoughts with doctors, friends, partners. I always joked about being codependent but never really dug deep to understand how deep rooted this could be, how affected I really am from my childhood and growing up too fast, having a toxic relationship with my mother and barely any father figure in life. It wasn't easy for the little me, but its cool, we're making it even now. 

What I'm here to report is an interesting phenomenon, if I could call it that. Ripple effect may be better but both feel well suited for what I'm about to describe. Unexpected, but I was inspired to start sorting through my music today. I used to try and sort all my music in playlists, back when everything I listened to was on Youtube lol. Since I got Spotify I've always tried to make playlists but for some reason always struggled. When trying to create certain moody playlists, fem feeling ones or whatever funky playlists I would always find myself adding songs that I would really skip over when listening to any of these playlists by myself. I'd keep adding songs that felt kind of right and I'd feel safe knowing anyone listening to this playlist would find a song that they liked, accommodating any possible listener in my company... 😒 

You see? I hope you do. Codependency even got to my music preference! And since I've had my Spotify account from like 2016 then I got a proper overview of how long I've modified my playlists, listened to artists that I didn't vibe with and swapped genres around for others instead of just listening to what I enjoyed.

To give more backstory: since I moved to Spotify form YT I initially started doing what I ended up doing on YT, instead of creating different playlists for genres I'd create playlists for moods as that way I would allow myself some more flexibility. Why? Well I'd have an excuse just in case anyone was commenting on the song negatively. I have a different taste in music and have gotten looks in the past, as a codependent I over anticipate negative reactions and try to avoid them best as I can. 

However, I owe my wide variety of music to this mental state, so lovely silver lining there. Yet, I still created these boundaries for myself, though, I admire the adaptability that codependency can bring, however it is not needed for something as personal as musical preference. 

Yes, I love to listen to all different genres but my playlists don't have to accommodate everyone's preference in different genres. Its my Spotify, these should be my unique playlists that could be a discovery ground for other people, that could be a unifying ground for future friendships and so much more. By limiting myself to this weird rule: "I'll add this in here for X friend and this song in here for Y friend so they hear a familiar song when hanging out with me.".

Indeed, exceptionally caring and sweet and everything, but not something that I've realized comes 100% naturally to me. Adding these songs to the playlists doesn't hurt me, having to sit through a song that I don't necessarily like is also fine for a good friend but sacrificing my personal preference for every loved one I know is really freaking exhausting. Its a sacrifice for 5 people minimum and in a big picture giving away a small piece to each, makes up a pretty big chunk. And without it i feel quite empty. It takes time, love and patience to fill up that gap again. This sacrifice made daily, and for what? To take care of everyone although nobody has asked? 

My friends know I'm here for them so I can stop trying to nurture them in every way when we spend time together, whether its only listening to their preferred songs or saying Yes to everything and anything they ask. If anyone I'm hanging out with wants to listen to a song or add it to the queue then I know they'll let me know, so yeah now I realized that I can indeed just create my damn playlists and just listen to it.

Yeah, so I've spent the day creating playlists. My practice of "oh I like this song, I'll add it to my Saved songs" had resulted in me having near to 3k songs, random genres, artists, albums, moods all piled together in that single playlist. Some other pitiful attempts to create moody playlists were also floating around under my profile but got rid of most of those and ended up with 3-4 playlists I could tidy up, remove songs I didn't like and work them into what I really wanted them to be. As I was skipping through all my Saved songs and adding them to their respectful playlists (or creating new ones to match the mood) I realized how many artists and albums I had saved since 2014-15, who I was never interested or found surprisingly mediocre. As a layer of my codependency has been shedding away in these past days and I realize it took with it a lot of the "love" I had for these songs/albums/artists and made me really see it was indeed the person I was dependent on who loved these arts and I was just lathering that on as my own to make sure they liked me... Fucked up, man, I really stared at the ceiling for 5 minutes after that one screwed in and lit up. So whatever songs I wasn't adding to one of my 10 fresh playlists I was just removing from my library altogether.

Honestly there was many songs I listened to again after forever (since I hadn't hung out with these people, I didn't care for the music on my own) and just found them boring, nothing interested me in these songs. Of course musical preference can change but I swear if any of these songs came on 6 months ago then one of two would have happened:

1. If I was alone and I heard a song in my playlist that was added for someone I was dependent on- to be taken into consideration for no fucking reason- then I'd sit through the song, reminiscing about that person, maybe even to the extent of foken crying and once the song ended then maybe replayed it to relive that-emotional-rollercoaster again for whatever reason OR go down a rabbit hole of songs that make me think of this person until I end up obsessing over them and texting or crying myself to sleep. :) 

2. If I was with this person and I had added a song they knew into a playlist that was playing while we hung out, and that song would come on then my superpowers of reading micro-impressions to make sure the person is indeed satisfied, surprised, happy, relieved, excited, pleased, grateful or you-name-it-approving-emotion so I'd feel validated and my codependent behavior enforced and thus fed into, so I could repeat this cycle again in the upcoming songs, playlists or next time I hung out w this person. (: Eventually of course feeling exhausted and yearning to listen to music that fulfills and vibrates to my tone of life but being too afraid to do that in fear of not being validated by that whom I'm dependent on. 

Understanding this today got me feeling confused- shocked- sad- relieved- ready to release. In that exact order.

To sum up the progress I've realized; I am much less of a "take care of others" person than I've lived and been for most of my life. I recognize this part of my personality has been amplified by my codependent traits which has morphed my "caring" trait into "the mom friend" trait. Verbally, physically and in writing I have broadcasted the importance of mental health to everyone and anyone around me or who has come in contact with me. They know this about me, its a fundamental part of who I am and I know this. I see this. I know my truth in this and anyone who doubts I can easily shrug off because their perception of me has nothing to do with who I am. 

I now know that I can truly start becoming my true self and show that person to the people around me. Once upon a time I had to hide but not anymore, who I am surrounded by today are curious and excited when they discover new parts in me. I am exceptionally loved. I get to fearlessly love and I truly resonate as love. It's all okay. We've made it, we're safe. 

-- and i can listen to any music I want!! 😂