Not good enough.. you think?

 W-Why does seeing other peoples success in my interest make me not want to follow them anymore? How does other peoples success demotivate me and how can I control it? 

Something unexpected happened today. Well partially, some things were kind of expected because I'm becoming very aware of patterns that I follow, which most of the times end up with a breakdown in me, breaking shit around me or blaming someone unrelated that they broke me. None of these are needed and I could easily avoid snowballing into this but, "I just wanna feel something, I just want to feel. I just wanna feel something, something really real so I could feel like a person again". 

That's my flight-n-fight brain saying that life isn't life and i aint a person unless i feel anxiety, fear, abandonment, judgement. Because all these emotions are so heavy and take you over, I've felt them most my life and while I've been in this spiritual healing cycle for a good while, I've ended up self aware but not yet fully achieved self control. Still feels weird sitting in the passenger seat because my coping mechanisms are in the drivers seat, or yk some days now it feels like there's a full on fight in the car. Coping Mechanism-me yelling that they're keeping me safe and my Higher Self is trying to say that we are safe. And outside I'm just quiet, not eating, not expressing, confusing people around me because nobody is actually driving, its a power struggle inside of me. 

Anyway, what happened? 

It's been a different day anyway, but not bad in that sense. When I got to work then found out shortly that someone was sick and I went out of my way to go help them out in a snow storm - mind you, I won't even go to the store with my partner for quality time, but will sit outside and wait 15 min for a bus with a stranger I've known for 3 weeks because they're sick. Priorities or morals - who knows, I'll tackle this another time. However as a result of a very active morning, I've ended up hungry at 1 pm. (current time: 1:11), which generally doesn't happen as I fast as long as i can due to low energy consumption from working at home. So i'm starving, but this is easy to ignore for me.

Sooo, what happened? 

My partner shared his success in the same field that I'm trying to aim for. Not a bad thing, but why did it make me feel like stopping all of my work in the same field? Why did it make me feel less or insufficient compared to him? There's probably no problem with him, just the fact that someone close to me is aiming in the same direction that I am and they're doing clearly much better. So what happened is that something triggered in me when a close person shared success in the same interest as me. 

Honestly I feel like I should be happy- me and my partner are aiming towards the same goals, mindsets, we're literally aligning in our career paths and it's beautiful. So the issue isn't that my partner is exceeding where i'm just managing. When was the last time I felt this way? Thinking back I can even recall a few times, going back in order last times were:
When my friend got stronger faster from working out; when a friend randomly picked up yoga after I had been doing it for a year and she got like papers for it and stuff! ; when i started driving school at the same time as my peers but didn't even get past the first exam; when I went to art school and saw how everybody else was doing what the teacher said and i did what i understood; when i developed understanding for emotions and my mom started realizing the same things.

Just a few examples, but each time this happens that someone else is exceeding in something i'm tryign to master, then i just get demotivated to not do it anymore. Dropped out of art school, turned more toxic towards my mom, stopped going to the gym, stopped doing yoga, stopped learning how to drive. I just come to a full stop, wtf?! Why!! Its not anyones fault that i feel like this and end up deciding this but i can't for the life of me figure out right now where it started from, why it started. School maybe? Thinking back we did have a class where anyone trying to succeed as high and in the same way as someone exceeding, would be titled nerds or somehow less than and made fun of.
This one girl in my elementary school class did this thing  - she was a straight A student because she leeched off her peers and manipulated them into teaching her, she never took her own initiative. The moment her succeeding peers left, her grades dropped and she couldn't even get in the same schools as the peers that she used in elementary school. I never did that but i remember this happening clear as day and thinking "I'd never want to be embarassed like that".
Idk why i've drawn a paraleel between someone elses life experience with mine, but its the furthest back i can recall ever thinking about anything like this. Am I afraid to be a fraud? Is this from a childhood thing or is this conditioning? What is it, why do i revert to this behavior!! Gah I'll need to figure this out. 

How could I control it though... I guess by hearing my Higher Self more, understanding her better, remembering that everybody reaches different milestones at different times of their lives. And to throw out the habit of being the youngest and brightest - i never was this at school but have done my best and have tried to prove my worth since starting work. I remember even when starting my career or whatever when i was 16 then I always had to be more than expected of me. My mom always expected more of me, she's said she's proud but it's never felt sincere. Maybe it was, i don't know. I just don't feel good about myself and my abilities, like i'll never be enough. So i'll control it by forcing myself to do all the things I think i should stop doing. And its going to suck for Coping Mecahnism-me. 

My HS yelling in the background - BUT YOU FOUND CLARITY. I found that it's not other peoples success that demotivates me but that behind all that, i don't see my worth. I don't see the value in my capabilities, ideas, skills, presence. I realized i feel like i'm not enough and that the roots of this thought run so deep that pulling these out will hurt like a motherfucker.

But 'm waiting for my next lightbulb moment. 'm waiting for guidance from my Ancestors, peers and Spirit Guides to bring on my path ways that I can start seeing my value. That I can start developing a loving relationship with myself once again.