If patience was a plant

 T-Then it would wither. Why do I keep allowing my boundaries to be mistreated? 

Been a while, and written a lot of drafts. Justifying to myself as the blog isn't shared to any readers, at part because I believe nobody would care to read about this stuff anyway. Other part is to keep the blog to keep track of personal development.

Today's topic is patience, and how much I fucking exercise this. My tolerance levels to being disrespected and let down have grown to unmeasurable heights. Feels like i'm swimming through this bullshit. Every day its the same thing: I try to set or reinforce a boundary, it's either aknowledged or I'm picking on them. If it is aknowledged then the boundary is forgotten in some period, sometimes a few weeks but even takes a few hours for my "could you please" is a nuicance again. 

Why do I allow this? Lets trace and find the origin. Tbh lets lit the origin of this quality on fire and snort the ashes because I am done, i need to step into the version of myself who takes no bullshit, no disrespect. When I clearly ask for something and set a boundary then it should be taken into consideration and respected. I'm open for discussions so nothing is set in stone, what's the reason for the disrespect from other people? Just communicate and talk about it.

Tracing.

Shit. Fuck. Its conditioning. It's not even a single event or a few pinpoints, it's my entire life. From my mom, step dads, teachers, peers, boys, social media, society. I'm a typical conditioned woman who keeps trying to ask for what she wants and keeps settling for less. 

"Okay, so let me process what you just told me. You repeatedly told them to do something for you,"

Yes, communicate...

"You explained in numerous ways how them not doing this was really affecting you as a person,"

Yes, over many months, in different situations.

"and you weren't asking for a lot, you were just asking for the bare minimum."

That's what i kept saying, communication is needed in a functioning relationship, partnership or family.

"but every single time you would ask them, they always had another reason or excuse to why it hasn't been done,"

Caused a fight every single time. It was always "too tired, just did that, just doing this"...

"their lack of initiative was something that you were expected to deal with,"

Hadn't seen it this way but yes, i guess so. It is this way, i just have to deal with it and wait.

"and when you continuously brought it up - only to be fed false promises that it was going to happen,"

Yes. It's always that the date is coming or they'll start from next week or just an excuse why they can't offer me this 'right now'.

"when they never actually did. They made you out to be the problem and told you that you were picking at them." 

Yeah, worst bit was that they'd start calling themselves shit and names just because i'm asking for communication. Instead of learning they just beats themselves down in front of me to get compassion, which guilt trips the shit out of me and I just cave. 

"But you weren't picking on them.
You were being patient with them.
You were giving them a chance after chance to redeem themselves.

and they kept butchering that
and feeding you lies in false promises.

It's not that you're picking at them, 
it's that they're putting the blame on you to avoid responsibility because they don't wannaadmit that they're actually doing something wrong." 

Until the point where they start saying that everything they're doing is wrong to blow even the smallest thing out of porportion to avoid the same responsibility. Triggering me to feel sorry for them again. 

"But they're consciously not doing something, knowing that it's affecting your mental health
beause they like the life that they have where you do everything and they don't. 

If they make you think that you're the problem,
then they can keep living like that instead of taking responsibility."

Well fuck, if they can keep living like that and I can't keep living like this then one of us has to just stop the communication. It is affecting me. Soul withering. 

I'd hate to throw these relationships away and I always want to keep trying, there's so much hidden potential in people and my Ego thinks that I'm the magic spark that'll make them light their mental conciousness. In reality this isn't at all like this, the people who make me suffer are the closest to me yet again, and I tolerate it yet again. 

Done a good job last year learning to cut ties and set boundaries. Time to also be able to do that when deep rooted love and life together are all weighing in the balance. 

shitfuckcunt i'm exhausted