The Hierophant
The Ego is afraid of many things. I've battled with my Ego as most people do. We want to fit in, be up to an acceptable standard. We wan to be liked. Yet sometimes people aren't what others naturally "like" and that's where I start to feel the limits.
Every human does things wrong, makes mistakes, fucks up. It's a part of life. A part of the human experience. Some mistakes are small and obvious, like accidentally breaking something and lying about it. Yet some mistakes are harder to grasp, like wearing out of fashion clothes, or ill fitting? if you're unaware of the relevant trends. A mistake most people wouldn't even know they're making but in the eyes of some society it would definitely be a noticeable one, something that can make you be perceived in a negative way. There's so many worlds within our worlds, many different understandings and morals, people conceptualize things differently in their minds, some experience time in a completely different way. I believe this all affects the magnitude and effect of most mistakes we can make.
Having the neurodivergent label on me now, not only in my mind but in the eyes of the society that surrounds me as well, it's lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders. It's a label yes, but others can trust my truth now. I accept myself more and am learning more every day to trust in myself, my quirks, my way of life. I accept what brings me peace and what doesn't. Learning to assert my boundaries and to respect others has been a challenge my entire life and now I know why, i mean i guess I've always known but the more I learn and validate my experience in this world, the more I learn to act right. In the eyes of society many things matter but what matters to me is to always learn from my mistakes. Admitting them. Taking responsibility. Holding myself accountable. These things, have been real challenges in my life. Real big bad fucking challenges I've had to overcome. How? By making mistakes, and a lot of them. Some mistakes I repeated over years, others over months or weeks, when I was blind to acting wrong then I just kept acting wrong. I didn't know a better way because nobody had taught me, nobody had told me how. Until I was told, or until I am told. Blame it on the poor childhood without parents and guidance or allow me to take responsibility for my actions as the adult I am today.
What I fear most in society is misunderstanding and choosing against trying to understand, choosing distrust. Learning something and not validating that truth, or trusting it, leads to so many closed paths in life.
So much fear and hate is birthed from distrust and lack of communication. If we are honest with each other, foremost after being honest with ourselves, and trust the authenticity of the truth provided, then we shouldn't have any misunderstandings nor mistrust. There should be acceptance, peace, trust for each of our truths. There should be space for love, and lessons to be experienced in a safe place, in the safety of community that trusts each other.
My Shadow and Ego do their best to rage when I don't have control over my part of the story. Any story. Who my mother tells me to be in her stories, what my friends see in me, who I am in my relationships. It's always been hard, in some way I've always blown up at the sight of my story being told wrong. But that part of me has changed over the six months, after I was actually told and I learned that everyone indeed has their own very unique side of the story. Funny and albeit obvious lesson but i guess it's the 'tism in me. Everyone's story is relevant and how they experience it is their own, because the only true viewers of our lives, are well, ourselves. We sit in our heads the entire time, thinking, processing, consuming, learning, expressing. It's wild to think that people, myself included, allow others to take over their story. As Ego ruled humans of course, we get riled up by misunderstandings because they don't validate our inner truth.
I believe some truths don't align. Some stories are just different for people in the same play. I think this is because we still make mistakes, we act wrong and believe that to be right, and by that it just inherently makes sense that we don't know all the truth ourselves. We have misunderstandings buried deep within that get resolved through the mistakes we make and the lessons we gain from them.
I have ugly truths. From far in my past, not that far, not even the furthest away. I make mistakes. And I do my best to learn from them. My fears of society limit me less. They affect my Shadow a healthy amount to trigger contemplations, to dwell, to understand myself better. To see if there's a lesson to be learned.
Some mistakes hurt, most don't. My favorite lesson so far is that mistakes don't make you a bad person, they show you that you have space to grow and new things to learn. What can make you be perceived as a bad person is dismissing mistakes, avoiding the lessons, staying true to a truth within a mistake, a fuck up.
Always happy to learn better ways, even if the lessons come coated within mistakes. Poor mistakes, filled with pain and loss and embarrassment. Damn wish my mama loved me more when I was young, hah no. She did, but her story didn't unfortunately entail teaching me quite all the socially acceptable ways to behave and that's okay, we all have our own story. My story starts without a frickin manual so I'm learning now and I trust that I'm doing alright.
Luv
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