release

What does "being feminine" mean to you? Do you think you flow naturally with your feminine energy or do you need to work it to flow? How do you want to embody feminine energy? 

Last summer I went to a women's retreat in the South of Estonia, deep in the country. It was almost a rewilding experience with other women who were willing to be vulnerable, honest, free and nurturing to each other. This weekend was a great challenge for me and triggered a lot of parts deep inside, parts I didn't know I had to be triggered, comparisons I didn't realize I was making, addictions I was refusing to acknowledge. Lots came up to the surface. Time has passed and I went this time again, exactly a year later. I hadn't thought about my own feminine energy development or how it had changed over this time.

Unknowingly, a domino effect was released last year that has led me to a place where I honestly never knew I would arrive at, where I am today. At peace with the woman that I am. 

Being feminine used to have a clear stereotype attached to it, a clear visual rep: a natural blue/brown eyed woman, silky skin, cared for nails and hair, small, petite, a soft voice and a featherlike way of carrying oneself.  It feels so funny to write this out because I don't think being feminine or looking feminine has anything to do with the things I just mentioned. Past me had some serious patriarchal brainwashing done, clearly. Like explaining that to be a woman is to look and be some fairy like cottage-core mystic nymph. Which of course can be someone's definition of being feminine, wow. but it is definitely not confided to only that. 

When I wrote down these questions then I had no idea how to answer. This has been in my drafts for a week. I've stared at these prompts and been stuck, that visual almost repeating in my head. Distorted from the image of how I saw myself, the woman I believed I was, which is of course different. After this retreat, this weekend amongst women I had known and women I had never met before, in the hands of Mother Nature and away from the masculine energies of the world where we all let our walls down again. We allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our fears and talk about the women we truly felt like. These women, like the others last year, inspired me and I finally fully connected to this feeling inside that has been knocking to get out for months.
This feeling, at the moment of release, was a mixture of tranquility and grief. At the time I heard and finally started to accept truths that I had been hiding away from and refusing to acknowledge. Truths that cannot be unheard, but that did not do hurt but move along a process I had been struggling to push through alone. My feminine energy has been flowing, yet there was this wall I kept running against. These women, this time in nature, as last time, had a strong effect on me and I feel after we sat together, drank tea together, watched the fire flicker as we shared and cried, leaning on each other- the dam within me broke. I flew right through it after seeing how powerful I can be, we can be, together especially. 

Women have seven archetypes that we can embody and they are all so different that it really depends on where we as women, are in our lives. We embody different feminine energies over a lifetime (Huntress, Lover, Maiden, Mother, Queen, Mystic, Sage), hopefully. It can be easy to get stuck into only one type of  'woman' because many don't know that they're allowed to be in another way after embodying one. 

To me;

Being a woman in her feminine energy is being one with everything around them in the present moment, flowing with it without commanding the energies that carry them through any given moment. A woman trusts in her strengths and doesn't underestimate her weaknesses. A woman has command of her self and doesn't subdue to any situation or person who doesn't want to match her energy.

As a woman;

I am not afraid to be unshaved or not dye my hair. I feel the most connected to my feminine when my body is allowed to be as it were, without any societal commands to change or eliminate parts of me that came with me as I was born into this world. 

I am a woman who does not like to constrain myself in clothes that tie around me and shape out each inch of my body. I like baggy, quirky clothes, for my comfort, for my being. I wear what I want because I feel sexiest and the most beautiful without clothes. 

I nurture myself foremost and then others follow, if they so wish. I do not command for a certain way of being but know what I deserve and freely voice that to the masculine, to the world. 

I do not allow myself to be bothered by the actions or words of those who surround me because I acknowledge that their behavior towards me is a reflection of their worth and their self image, that has nothing to do with me. I keep myself open to communication until my boundaries are approached and then I mindfully and respectfully remove myself from situations that do not serve me. 

I cannot control others, as a woman I know to control myself. 

I accept myself. 

I accept my feelings and allow them to flow through me instead of allowing them to control me. 

I embody the Being within me that keeps me safe, respected and at peace. 

I accept what comes to me with gratitude and allow pass that which does not come to love, grow or enjoy what I have to offer. 

Further down my life I aim to embody all the archetypes that womanhood has to offer. It's a journey to see what I've already embodied, who I carry myself as in the Now and what there is to come. Right now I feel myself embodying the Mystic archetype (albeit I prefer to be in my Lover energy), I want to allow myself to fall into her energy fully for this next period in my life. There's much I've found in myself, again. Every few years it feels like I uncover a hidden part of myself I never knew existed. I'm grateful for that now. Used to be a little annoyed lol, wanted to have it all figured out. But nah, this has gotten me appreciating that although I keep thinking hope is lost, or feeling on the verge of just giving up, there's still much to look forward to. Life is an exiting playground and I'm happy to be living this experience as a woman. 

The feeling of tranquility and grief has continued. A new sense of being present has been developing and I can feel myself better, doing my best to not tie thoughts to any randomly popping feels. I cry in bed in the mornings when I wake and before I fall asleep. I skip showers but wear fresh clothes. I meal prep my breakfasts for days and then eat everything in the course of a day. 

Right now I'm being honest with what I want and accepting what I deserve out of that. 

and its an ever evolving process. cool. 

x