spicy combo ii

 Been adjusting, learning, changing.

ADHD here to stay for now, medication is familiar to the brain and i'm doing good.

My doctor is still on the fence with my autism diagnosis so that's yet to unravel but not too worried about it, I'm peculiar regardless of this diagnosis. 

In the meantime,
I hacked my mental health lol - let me tell you what I've been doing for the past month.

Since my last heartbreak I've been doing what most people do after a breakup: rediscover who I am without reinventing the self. I know who's hiding inside and she's been knocking to come out, it feels like I've been pushing against some door to not let her out and become her. It's been copious amounts of fear that's been fueling this paranoia, "Who is she? What will I be if we merge? Will she be loved?" .

A big part of it was staying true to the person I was when I met my then partner, because changing would've changed our dynamic. Foolish thoughts lol. Of course I'd end up changing, of course he would, people change whether they want to or not. I think what makes these shifts either positive or negative is the awareness behind the changes that are taking place. What matters is intent and actually having knowledge of how changing ones perspective and behavior can benefit not only the Self but everything in ones life.

When we intend to change then its easier to drive this boat in a positive direction. Challenges are a part of any changing process. Being aware of what you are changing and how you've decided to do this sets the tone for the whole process.

When we are in denial of change, don't believe that this is a part of living, then we start changing into someone we eventually cannot recognize, because we're not driving this process. We don't know we're changing so we don't know what's shifting. Then you look into the mirror and have no idea who the fuck is looking back at you. 

Change is inevitable as its a process of life. Just like the weather changes, so do we. 

This change started within myself last year: releasing my feminine, rewilding, connecting to energy. 

This process was stopped by my hasty decision to prioritize loving and caring for someone else, instead of myself, again. I bet my spirit guides were pissed off... but its my Karma so tis alright. I'll own it. 

When I got my ADHD diagnosis then I was also having suicidal thoughts. It's been a few years since this last happened but its alright. I've accepted that this extreme is one I swing towards when the perception of my own self worth and intentions behind my actions are messed with.
When I play the blame game and sing the "I'm so sorry" song on repeat for months,
when I wear out my knees begging for forgiveness and love,
seeing a divine connection where there might only be a trauma bond.
I don't know. There is a connection but it messes with me. 

What really puts me over the edge is when I've been gaslighted to the extent that I'm agreeing and apologizing for things that never happened, trying to help and soothe a crying child that's actually an aware adult, who does not want help. In the sphere of someone who enjoys feeling like shit and sucks benefits out of sadness.

And then I give them the benefit of the doubt.
They need more time.

And then I start allowing my boundaries to be crossed,
allowing myself to be disrespected.
to be attacked,
to be looked with disgust whilst told I'm loved,
and then he says I never loved him, when I know my heart ached for him every day since we met.

I've made poor decisions but never intending to hurt us,
never doing anything disrespectful, never lied, never abandoned us,
and then I allow myself to believe in his words.

That's when I start thinking,
"I've done everything wrong when wanting the best from the depths of my heart, i've hurt when i've wanted to love, i've made unforgivable mistakes, i've believed in what other's see in me instead of seeing myself. It's shameful. It's not a deserving life to live. It hurts to live like this. I don't want to. I've tried my best and still caused pain and I can't bear that. I want to love. Could death be the final release from this fucking pattern of pain?" 

And then I stop. 

Sound the alarm, time to pack up our bags and go. From fright to flight in a blink of an eye:

• Prioritize your physical wellbeing: found an apartment asap.
  
• Remove yourself: moved my belongings and self out of their space.
• Surround yourself: spent time with friends, old ones and new ones, i am allowed.
• Grow yourself: started exercising, planned a bunch of trips over the course of my healing
• Heal yourself: reconnected with my hobbies, ikigais, learned better ways to cope
• Feel yourself: cried myself to sleep, cried when i woke up, did not deny my feelings regardless of the weight they carried.

I went on a mental health leave from work which lasted til my vacation, giving me a month and a half off my day job in the matrix. I used this time efficiently: 

• Monday-Thursday I spent four days in Tallinn, in my new apartment which i did not like very much in the beginning. To feel the feels, to get used to my new space, to hermit and hide away from everything and everyone. 
• Friday-Sunday I spent time on a trip: first weekend Helsinki, second Kihnu island, third Otepää womxns retreat and fourth in Tartu. Creating memories, connecting with people, planning adventures, healing. loving, letting go and much more. 

I'm doing everything I've learned about mental health and its recovery, and its been working. I don't feel super whole but i think its a feeling that doesn't exist. As i started this text with change is inevitable, then so is the change of emotion. Energies shift and I can again have bad days without swinging to the extreme.

It was important to try and achieve a balance between distracting myself and also processing. Of course I've been taking my ADHD medication throughout and going to therapy, crisis counselling and seeing a psychiatrist. Also journaling, dancing, crying, confiding in people and in myself. 

Reconnecting with myself over the 4/3 split has been wonderful. I feel so confident in my decisions, present, future and even past. I know I've done wrong decisions but I also know the weight of them, the intentions behind and I trust that I've done everything in my power to help, love, soothe and heal. 

I forgive myself, would kiss my own forehead if i could,
and say; "you live and learn, just make sure you learn, otherwise living might become hard"

So i'm good. Creating art. Loving connecting with people. Adoring the admiration and love I'm receiving. Life isn't bad, the changes were rough but they were needed. 

cheers x