a thousand deaths

Every morning I wake up and it feels new. New me, new body, new mind, all packed in a new day. 

Most days I wake up early with the sun, slowly waking my body in bed and nurturing my mind with songs that feed into my embodiment of life. Some days I wake up and hug myself, understanding when i've landed back to a body that's a bit more tired, a mind that needs care not motivation.

Not every day I focus on healing and becoming better. I see the synchronicities and absorb them, understanding but not piecing them into a lesson. There's days where I appreciate the person i've become, and don't push her to change. I'm cool today. I was cool before and i'll be cool in the future. I'm always cool. I can always be cooler. I can always heal more and be better, but my soul came here for the experience, the human journey. My body feels time, my soul observes it. We deserve to rest and enjoy milestones, each achievement and improvement in life can be a celebration.

Yet in life there's also periods of mourning. Of resistance, fighting and learning and appreciating - all in order to be able to celebrate. Not every day has to be a party "I healed this", cool. It's important to do but it's also important to rest. To mourn our past selves. To appreciate our growth. Because when we start healing and it works, and we see improvements in our life, it can turn into a kind of obsession. The Ego takes this new fancy subject we've started rebuilding our personality around and starts using it against us. Pushing every day to see a lesson and make a connection and figure something out, it makes us blind to enjoying who we've become along the way.  

Soo, one day I woke up needing a hug. I hugged myself tight and thought about what could I be learning about myself in that moment. Then I felt this strong resistance when trying to pursue this thought. Realizing then, that all I wanted and needed, was to be present. To enjoy myself and who I had worked so hard to become. To appreciate myself and how much I had to lose to find gratitude within. I enjoyed that moment, and that day I didn't think about any lessons or tried to figure anything out, just enjoyed the life I had built and soaked in it. The abundance I had surrounded myself with, the body I had cared for. Thankfully, this has become a regular practice for me. 

There's periods of deep healing. There's moments where I take my notebook and write tens of pages and unpack some heavy shit. I cry and hug myself, appreciate that I can see what I can. Before it was hard to make some connections because I focused so hard on fixed signs that Sherlock Holmes needed to be called in. When i take periods to rest from journaling, thinking, unpacking - and enjoy who I am in this point of time, I actually end up seeing more of myself and the lesson i had been staring at for so long. Like, when you stare at the night sky in one point too heavily looking for stars then they're harder to pop up, but the wider you look the more you see? Only focusing on healing, instead of looking around and seeing everything else that surrounds you to show what you've already healed, leaves you kinda blind to the blessings you've already achieved. Yeah? 

Anyway I had that. I've been focusing on healing every since one of my past partners broke up with me and said that i'm too sad to be with. I was maybe 19? It was the harsh truth. I had let my shitty childhood and endless mental health fight define me. The first thing most people learned about me was that I was mentally ill, guess I thought that was the most interesting thing about me. After being reality checked, hard, there was my first Dark Night of The Soul moment. 

And it lasted for years, a lot of pushback and pain, lots of unpacking my identity. Thought I had figured out who I was lol? Moved to Australia to see who I was when not surrounded by people who had known me my entire life. I wanted to heal so bad, not to be that depressed, anxious, alcoholic, broken girl anymore. Oh boy did I heal, healed hard, went into overdrive in fact. Ego takeover. Shit got ugly. Repeatedly. Like I said, lots of pushback, lots of forcing and Ego driven behavior. Being so high from my own healing that I ended up trying to help others heal, but ending up hurting these people a lot. Not giving space, not understanding, talking about being who you truly are but not realizing that everyone is fucking different, hello? Lys, what the fuck. 

It's been like 6 years since I started healing, and it took me 5 years to realize that we also have to appreciate who we are along the way, not only glorify who we can be. We'll become the best versions of ourselves in this lifetime if we've already started the process, so there's no need for a whip and timer. Enjoy the journey, stop the donkey, drink from the river, listen to the birds. Our destinations won't move further away because we decide to take a breather. Our wounds won't bleed out because our bodies provide blood inhibitors, and always poking a wound isn't going to help it heal, time will. Time you can spend enjoying life. Time I've decided to spend enjoying my life.

I wake up every day and take care of myself, whether that's through resting or healing. Through my feminine or my masculine. There's a balance that i haven't felt before, a comfort in myself, confidence that whatever comes, I got this. Super lame, i know, but it feels good to just let go of all these fears that have chained me for years, these walls i've put up to 'protect' myself from the world. But i don't feel like I need to anymore. I'm protected in other ways, these walls and chains haven't been protecting me as much as they have been confining me into a box. I'm this wild fucking bird and i gotsto go okay? thanks.
Got out, chilling, taking it easy, observing my surroundings, taking it day by day.

There's so many blessings, I know exactly what feels right and what doesn't.

I'm more in my truth, and thus in freedom, than ever before.

Such peace, a trust in life like never before.

Unfold. I'm in no rush.

Everything feels right.

I have stepped into my power.