patterns

these patterns exhaust me.

they drag me around,

they laugh in my face,

they come and then leave,

to return 

and put me back in my place.

why the hell am i here again?

why is this happening again?

"you're autistic, thats why", thanks brain

that's fine - but not it.

why is this back around? 

explain these patterns.

i sit and watch them repeat

i'm fourteen, i'm seventeen, i'm twenty one

i'm almost twenty five

and honestly, at this point, 

it feels like defeat.

who wins? well, ideally me

but every time this pattern comes around

i'm yet again dumbfound,

that i missed the lesson

and find myself sitting

in another unwanted session.

so here i am, again, lost count.

in third person, observing

how am i coping this time? am i learning? 

what is the outcome now?

can it changed?

have i changed? 

let's see how. 

yeah there's some improvement,

self awareness mostly, 

you'd think that's a good thing,

but instead of being unaware 

of acting like a cold bitch,

one has become aware

of the surrounding brick walls 

and deep ditch.

i remember now.

i walled myself in a while ago

and i've dabbled outside these walls

and i've let people chill on the edge

mostly kids,

but not really the people that matter.

and that there, is the pattern. 

"Please let me in..." 

and it's not my voice anymore.

i hear the people i love, out there.

behind a big and heavy door

that of course only i can open.

but i'm busy here, thinking, 

how i'd even cope when

they'd up and leave me again.

stupid pattern.

like i haven't

reached this conclusion before

i hope this time it actually shifts something deeper

because i'm tired of being reminded

and then again blinded sighted

into to acting like the Grim Reaper. :(