Greetings p.1

 I'm at East Tallinn Central hospital and it is almost two weeks past the start of the 2025 Gregorian calendar year. The nails on my sweaty fingers are uneven, with six claws and four stumps making it rather unpleasant to type this entry. My left knee slightly throbbing and my left hip is deeply aching. I'm recovering from a surgery called a Periacetabular Osteotomy that took place last Wednesday at 9am. This is the second time i've had the surgery. The first time was about 4 years ago during summer time and happened because when I was visiting a high school friend who lives in a region of Estonia that is known for its hills - note that we don't have mountains - which have steep climbs and drops, where my right started to hurt tremendously and i developed a limp. I couldn't even stand. 

    This surgery was planned, months in advance really. Even moved from last years September because earlier the same year I unexpectedly commit to starting university and becoming a cripple for two months wasn't really going to allow me to pass the first semester. Hot girl math resulted in me having the surgery in the middle of exam week after the first semester so i could be present for half of the exams and work on a separate assignment for the other half. 

    I'm proud to say that I've passed all my exams, have no study debt and in two days time a week will have passed from the surgery. When I had the same procedure last, it took me 3-4 weeks to start bearing weight on my operated leg and with the first week almost over, its only a few more sleeps to go. Painkillers are making the time go faster, reading good books, sleeping and thinking have also been wonderful ways to pass the time. 

    A lot has changed in the last year, as has become the norm in my life. Every year I wonder what the next cycle will bring, the next summer or winter, but recently even autumn and spring have started to stand out much more clearly. Before these seasons were more transitional periods and it was hard to pin specific happenings (besides my birthday) to the months of time. But now, with university starting in autumn and the recovery of this surgery set in spring, it feels as if these seasons carry even further weight in their importance. I've decided to write here again after a long time because... well, because... the sense of rebirth this time around is unlike anything I've been privy to before. 

Allow me to expand.

    Through the years of my life, as I've been growing up to become the woman I have been becoming, there have been certain milestones in my life I've known I must reach before a certain type of completion. Before recent years it was unclear what my young mind was conjuring up but there was always this deep sense of... expecting. Waiting. Like seeds that are planted before winter so they sprout early in spring or like a woman's pregnancy, or a man laying in wait for a deer to shoot during an autumn hunt. For years I spent questioning, wondering, researching, exploring - always looking for something although never completely sure what it was. Different terms applied over time, the chase changed as time passed, things came and went: money, boyfriends, fame, peace, happiness, pets, apartments, ancestry, friends, cities, jobs, books, titles, validations. Never was I fully sated with what I had accumulated, regardless of what, whom or by what time. Of course through these times I was grateful. Tears of joy were wept often, deep breaths filled with presence under starry skies, deep jungles, busy capitals and small towns were not amiss. 

    Alas, a young yet wounded heart of a woman accompanied with a deep and strange soul, there was more than just good in me, and naturally, more than just good in the world. Through the various gifts that life offered there were also tears of desperation, betrayal, abandonment, solitude and deep, deep bone aching fear. Most of my life I've felt like I've been becoming undone. Unraveling. Unbecoming. As if I was born from fire, as fire, into fire. It's hard to say when and where my journey exactly began because it often feels like it was before I drew my first breath as a babe. Perhaps before my mother's, or even my grandmother's first breaths. When I look back at all of us, we have all been burning since birth. Our lineage has been like a forest fire out of control, burning angry and bright within those still alive today. Behind them lay miles up on miles of ash, after those who have burned til their very last breaths quivered last. 

TBC